What are the keys to starting and growing a ministry that
reaches singles? A panel of singles pastors agreed that every singles
ministry—small or large—is based on 8 specific principles. by Brian
Mavis from Outreach magazine, May/June 2004
I was happy. I was in charge of outreach and small group ministries at
my church. I was helping reach the lost and discipling the found. It was
all good. But then some single adults in the church tried to upset my
world. Here's how it went down:
A couple of singles came to my office one afternoon with a deliberate
request in mind: "Brian, we would like you to lead the singles
ministry."
I gave them my "I feel your pain" look and said, "I wish I could" (yes,
a big fat lie), "but I'm too busy with all my other responsibilities."
But they persisted. A few weeks later they asked again, and I made the
mistake pastors never want to make. I agreed to provide "temporary"
help. The moment they happily skipped out of my office, my head hit the
desk. What have I done? They've sucked me into their dysfunctional
world. I'll never escape.
I never wanted to be a singles minister. I had even told God that, which
if you don't know, usually destines you for a career in that very field.
When I thought of singles ministry, the thoughts weren't happy ones.
I'm guessing that's true for most of you, too. What comes to your mind
when you hear "Singles Ministry"? In a recent OUTREACH reader survey on
the state of singles ministry in today's churches, only 12 responses out
of 700 could be classified as "positive." The others echoed comments
like:
"Ugh."
"Heartbreaking!"
"It's the most challenging group to reach."
"They [singles] are treated as misfits who need a little therapy to get
over their 'singleness.' "
And for you "Family Feud" fans, the most frequent answer given? "Help!"
(with varying numbers of exclamation marks).
I went into singles ministry with these same thoughts. But a couple of
weeks into it, my attitude really began to change. The transformation
grew out of a dream: I was looking over a huge wheat field. A bunch of
people were harvesting only half of it, and leaving the other half of
the field untouched.
God immediately showed me what it meant. The harvesters were church
leaders reaping traditional families. The untouched half of the field
represented single adults. The single adult ministry is a huge and
responsive mission field.
Within a couple of months, the singles ministry became my favorite one,
and in less than a year it grew from 12 singles to more than 200
actively involved each week. But more importantly, we saw many lives
changed, healed and saved.
Clearly, the single adult ministry in our churches needs attention. Out
of 700 reader survey respondents, 72.2% said that their singles ministry
was either non-existent or so small as to be ineffective in outreach.
When you consider that 48% of female adults and 42% of male adults in
the U.S. are single, you can see that we're missing an entire segment of
the population.
Outreach asked a panel of four current singles pastors to identify key
principles for starting and growing an outwardly focused singles
ministry. Keeping only the responses that all four pastors identified, I
compiled a list of the eight most important elements of a dynamic
singles ministry. I consider the first three to be essential and the
next five to be strategic.
1. CREATE A CHURCH CULTURE THAT VALUES SINGLES
Most of the pastors we interviewed ranked this concept as
the No. 1 element. "I think there is a prevalent preconceived notion
that if a person hasn't been married by the time they're middle-aged,
it's because they're socially awkward," says Jonathan Damiani, executive
director for Crossfire. "Sure there are socially awkward singles, but
there are plenty of socially awkward married people too."
Other pastors identified three specific action points for developing a
singles-friendly environment churchwide:
• Preach positively about singleness. "[Senior or teaching] pastors
really need to consider how they can affirm single adults," says Susie
White, singles pastor at Christ Church Episcopal in Plano, Texas. "When
was the last time you heard a sermon on the high calling of being
single?"
•Don't segregate singles. "Our church doesn't want the singles program
to become its own subculture," says Ramon Presson, single adult and
college minister at Brentwood Baptist Church in Nashville, Tenn. "It
wants them to be a part of the church, just like married adults are a
part of the church. The operative word is adult not single."
• Put singles in positions of responsibility. One of the ways Presson's
church affirms the value of single adults is by putting them in
positions of significant responsibility in the church. "We've got more
single adults serving outside our singles ministry than in it," Presson
says. The church asks singles to serve on its personnel committee, the
deacon board, etc.
2. PUT A SINGLES LEADER ON STAFF
The panel of pastors we assembled overwhelmingly agreed
that if churches are serious about growing their singles ministry, a
staff position specifically designed to reach this target group is
essential.
Jarett Stephens, a young adults pastor at Prestonwood Baptist, notes
that because singles ministry is so transitional, consistency in the
leadership is critical. Single adult ministry, observes Christ Church's
White, is often at the bottom of a church's priorities. "A church's
unwillingness to pay a staff person to focus on singles supports that
argument."
In Plano, Texas, where she serves, single adults comprise more than 30%
of the city's population.
"As a group needing the ministry of the Church and the message of
Christ, singles should be at the top of every pastor's list," she says.
"Singles struggle with a sense that the culture around them is waiting
for them to get married and become 'legitimate.' The way in which
churches allocate their funds reinforces that message."
White stresses that a singles leader needs strong communication skills
and an ability to articulate the ministry's purpose: "With moral issues
being what they are today, I believe it is imperative for a leader to be
clear about the ministry's focus on Christ and on biblical values as a
basis for living."
3. DEVELOP A LAY LEADERSHIP TEAM
Our panel's responses indicated that a lay leadership
team—even if it's just two people—is critical to starting and growing a
singles ministry. The overarching principle here, explains Stephens, is
"giving away as much of the ministry as possible." The more ownership
someone experiences, he says, the more ministry he or she will do.
Stephens, who identifies his greatest emphasis as developing his
leadership team, makes the people on his team a priority. He takes one
day a week to call each person and check in with him or her.
Presson's experience has shown him that a singles leadership team should
be comprised of the actual people the ministry serves. "I have a thing
about single adult ministry being single adult-owned and operated," he
says. "I do have some married teachers, but sometimes they tend to do
the ministry 'to' or 'for' single adults rather than 'with' them." The
exception to this rule, he says, would be a previously divorced couple
working with mostly divorced singles.
How do you start a leadership team? White launched with a lunch. "I
found it extremely helpful to hold leadership luncheons right away,"
White says. "A free lunch will always attract a few people, and out of
that initial group you can find some leaders who are interested in
helping you launch the program."
Brentwood Baptist's Presson adds, "Start by identifying lay leadership
who would be interested. Start with the people who are coming to you to
say we should be doing this."
4. START SMALL
Instead of throwing open the floodgates in hopes of
thundering crowds, our pastor group advises churches to "think small"
when beginning a singles ministry. Even if unchurched singles are your
target, an outreach-oriented singles group has to start with a core
group committed to the ministry and to each other.
"My advice would be to take it slow and realize you're trying to hit a
moving target," says Prestonwood's Stephens. "And that's okay. Pour your
life into the singles that are coming and always have something for them
to do. Any singles ministry—regardless of size—must be an active
ministry."
White found it easier to start from scratch with small groups and build
on that philosophy. Presson agrees, stressing the importance of keeping
a new and small singles ministry close and focused.
"Identify a few things the singles ministry wants to concentrate on and
do well," he says. "I once supervised a men's ministry in another church
that tried to do too many unrelated things right out of the chute. They
floundered. The subsequent team majored on doing two things well, and
the ministry grew."
The emphasis for small groups should be cultivating a place where people
feel like they belong, Presson says. "When you think about it, singles
ministry is the only area where someone walks in completely alone. Teens
are likely to see someone they know from school. Married people have
each other."
5. DIVIDE BY AGE
Not all singles are created equal. They are in different
stages of life. Some are young, some are hitting middle age and some are
approaching senior years. Some are never married, some are divorced and
some are widowed—all reasons for dividing by age, our group said.
"We believe that mixing the older with the younger singles can be
detrimental to growth, particularly in the younger demographic," Christ
Church's White explains.
Brentwood Baptist divides its Sunday morning ministry into three
departments: Single Focus 20s; Single Purpose 30-40; Single Direction
50-60. Prestonwood Baptist also separates its singles into three age
groups: 18-29; 30-37; and over 37.
6. OFFER SEMINARS AND SMALL GROUPS
Though most of our group's singles ministries divide by
ages, they agreed that churches must also provide special ministries,
such as special small groups or seminars, for singles in different
stages of life.
A few months ago, Christ Church Episcopal's singles ministry launched a
weekly seminar series featuring a guest speaker (either live or on
video) each time. In February, the seminar topic was "Love, Sex,
Marriage and Romance," a study of Song of Solomon taught on video by
Tommy Nelson. More than 40% of the people attending the seminar had
never attended any of the organized single adult events in the past.
"We are hopeful that the seminar concept will have long-term viability,"
White says, "and will serve as a more specific tool for reaching
unchurched single adults in our community."
When deciding what to offer, consider two primary groups: single parents
and recently divorced singles. In Boulder County where I led the singles
ministry, public records registered 500 divorces a month. Knowing that,
I placed invitations to our divorce recovery program in the courthouse
and mailed invitations to the divorcees.
For any single parenting class or group, make childcare your No. 1
logistical priority. Without it, many ministries that might otherwise
succeed, fail. If childcare is a problem, then you'll need to rethink
your meeting time for the regular Sunday morning service when child care
is built in.
7. OFFER SOCIAL EVENTS
Statistics show that for people to keep coming to church,
they must have at least five good friends there. In other words, people
are looking for community. In addition to small groups, social events
are key to developing community in single adult ministry.
"We live in such an anonymous world today. I think it's critical for
single adults to feel known in their church family," White says. "I know
that helping people to find friends will help them stay in the church,"
she says, "and will give us the opportunity to help them mature as
Christians. That's one of the main reasons why we continue to experiment
with different types of social events."
Crossfire's Damiani identifies diversity as the key to social activities
and programs in singles ministry.
"You've got to meet each single adult where they are and understand that
a 29-year-old businessperson is not the same as a 60-year-old farmer" he
says. "That's why we do so many different things."
Prestonwood's Stephens reinforces the community requirement. "Personal
relationships are key. It doesn't matter how big or small your church
is; it's about relationships."
However, Brentwood Baptist's Presson warns against using a large, flashy
social event to launch a singles ministry. "You're going to keep having
to do whatever it was that initially attracted people to the ministry to
get them to come back," he explains.
Our panelists suggested various types of social events for reaching
diverse groups: holiday gatherings (especially New Year's Eve and
Easter); sports nights (basketball, volleyball, baseball, bowling); a
Christian comedy event; parties (Super Bowl, costume, etc.); progressive
dinners; professional sporting events; dinner and a movie; game night
(board games); and picnics. For White, the highest attended social
activities, at first, were restaurant gatherings and movie nights.
8. PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO SERVE TOGETHER
Singles ministry shouldn't just be ministry to singles,
but ministry by singles.
"Single adults are available for mission projects," Presson observes.
"There are things that young single adults will get up and do together
on a Saturday morning that families who are rushing around to soccer
practice just can't.
"We have single adults involved in children's ministry, inner-city
ministry and overseas missions, etc. Serving the community together
builds community with each other. There's something about working for
one common goal."
Prestonwood's Stephens notes that service projects have been catalysts
to seeing single adults at the church become more evangelistic. "People
seem to want to be more inclusive when they get outside the church and
into the world at large. We've seen more of our core group reaching out
to unchurched singles to bring them into the ministry."
This content originally appeared in the May/June 2004 issue of Outreach
magazine, the gathering place for ideas, insights and stories of today's
outreach-oriented church leaders. For more ideas and information, visit
outreachmagazine.com.
Copyright 2004
